The Messy Wife

I am totally a messy person.  I have been this way since I was a kid.  I remember my dad taking away my Cabbage Patch doll and putting it up in the top of my closet because I wouldn’t keep my room clean.  I used to sit on the ladder of my bunk bed staring up at her every day until I got her back.  While I missed my doll dearly, the tactic didn’t work.  I never did get any neater.  My sister, on the other hand, is very organized and I never remember her room being the disaster that mine was.  Maybe this was because my sister never liked to play by herself, and I often played alone in my room.  Who knows?  I’m guessing my mom didn’t make me clean up in there every time I was done playing.  I also never liked throwing things away and was so careful with my toys that things just didn’t break and have to be thrown out. 

Fast forward many years.  I am a stay at home mom to two kids.  I still don’t throw things out because, of course, I might need that paper someday and I’m still messy!  My husband is by no means a neat freak, and if he were, it might be a teeny bit easier for me to be neater.  While he isn’t a neat freak, he HATES the mess and it leads to MANY arguments.  I get angry because I feel like all I do all day is clean up messes and he sometimes gets mad at me for the very same things he does.  He just does them less often because he is home less than I am! 

I do go through phases where I try REALLY hard to keep things neat (put things away as soon as I’m done, load the dishes right after we finish eating), but it can be exhausting and I find that I spend a lot less time with my kids.  My husband sees it as just taking a few extra seconds when I’m done with something and things will stay clean, but it’s not all that easy.  Everything takes more than a few seconds, especially if you are trying to do it while holding a fussy 9-month old, or trying to load the dishes while keeping her out of the dishwasher (because if she’s not in the kitchen with you, she’ll cry and wake her sister up from her nap).  Or, you’re finishing lunch and someone is having a meltdown and needs to get upstairs for a nap, so you say to yourself, “I’ll do it later.”  Then you get distracted by something else that needs to be done, or you just want to have a few minutes to yourself to catch up with your friends on facebook or just RELAX!  Maybe it’s because we have more “stuff” in this house than we have room for and things don’t have “a place” where they belong.  A bunch of excuses, I know.  I do want to be better, but I’m just not sure how to get there… and stay there!

The good, the bad, and the ugly (in no particular order)

This is my first experience with blogging.  I started this as a note on Facebook that I only shared with a few friends.  The response was good, and some friends suggested that I keep writing and share with other moms out there.  So, here is my very first post.  As I'm writing these confessions as sort of my own personal therapy, I apologize that they are mostly the bad and the ugly right now.  The good is there everyday, but it's the bad and the ugly we are always afraid to talk about!
                              

1.        I put a lot of pressure on myself as a mom.  I don’t like feeling like I can’t do something.  I once had a job I hated so much that I felt sick to my stomach every day before work.  I wouldn’t quit until I proved to myself that I could do the job.  Now, my job is being a mom and I feel like I have to do everything perfect.  Okay… I don’t keep a perfect house and things are always a mess, but I put a lot of pressure on myself to raise my kids well.  My first is so smart and such a great girl, that I’ve put a ton of pressure on myself to raise the second the same as the first as much as I can because I’m afraid she won’t turn out as good if I don’t do it just perfect.

2.       I hate that part of me really wants to have another baby someday, but I feel like I’m one of those moms who couldn’t handle three kids.  Again, I hate feeling like I can’t do something.  This does NOT apply to sports, however!

3.       I love my second child, but hate that now that I have two kids I don’t feel about either of them the way I felt about my first when she was my one and only.  I don’t feel like I have the same bond with my second child since we don’t have the alone time together I had with my first and since I got pregnant with #2 and my husband had to start taking more of the responsibility with #1 we aren’t as close as we used to be.  Maybe this would have happened as she got older anyway, but I’ll never know.

4.       I’ve been a stay at home mom for 3 years now and it’s tough.  I am so devoted to being a mom and my girls are so attached to their mommy, that I rarely get out of the house alone and can count on one had the number of times I’ve gone out with a friend since Kayla was born.  This is really tough on me and I feel like I’d be a happier mom if I spent more time away from my kids.  I always enjoy them more if I’ve been out for an hour or two without them.

5.       I am messy.  It drives my husband crazy that I am so messy.  I do feel bad that I am home with the kids all day every day, but still have a really messy house.  I do try to do better and it usually lasts for a week or so before things fall apart again. 

 

6.       I know I stress too much as a mom.  I feel bad about this.  I worry that it affects my kids and put a lot of blame on myself when things aren’t going well.  I get impatient with my very smart 3 year-old and I know the attitude and “talking bad” that she has learned is from me.  I also feel bad that it probably affects the baby and notice the way she looks at me when I raise my voice and get a mad tone with my older daughter.  I need to work on this and do better.

7.       I really hate the phrase “they’re just crying for comfort.”  I’ve heard this phrase used many times by moms talking about the cry-it-out method.  “Just”?  Really?  How about the next time you need comforting I tape your mouth shut so that you can’t communicate what’s wrong, put you in a dark room alone, and close the door?  That wouldn’t be very nice of me would it?

8.       As is obvious from above, I am not a supporter of the cry-it-out method.  My girls may take longer than others (who cry it out) to fall asleep on their own and sleep through the night, but they know they have a mommy who is always there for them.  My oldest daughter is one of the most outgoing, confident, and secure children I know.  She never cried it out (other than a few minutes of settling herself as an older baby), and I can assure you all she has been sleeping through the night without needing comforting with each wake-up since before she was a year old.  While teething, she would be wide awake in the middle of the night for hours, but never cry or call out for us.

9.       It drives me crazy when (probably well meaning) people tell me how I should raise my kids.  I know my kids better than anyone, and I take no decision lightly when it comes to them.  When I tell you my kid will not fall asleep in a stroller no matter how tired they are, it’s true.  There is a reason we do not stay out during naptime.  There are plenty of kids that just fall asleep when they are tired, but neither of my kids are those kids!

10.   I LOVE holding my babies while they are sleeping.  It’s hard to teach them to go to sleep on their own because once I do, they will rarely let me rock them to sleep anymore.  When Emily falls asleep nursing at night and I doze off with her, she cries for her bed when she wakes up!  This is the child who used to want to be held all night.  Sigh…  You can’t wait to finally get them to do something, but you inevitably miss what you taught them to stop doing (needing to rock, nurse, etc. to sleep).